.....

So i read my horoscope a fair bit... well actually quite a lot. More so at the moment than ever before. But i kind've think it's because i have very little occupying my spongey little brain... However i was out last night having some drinks and some dinner and felt like writing a whole lot of stuff down and then read my horoscope and it said write down what you've learnt the past 2 years. "don't be cynical"

I've been in a relationship the past 2 years, but when this relationship with my main man started i was blossoming. I was maturing a bit more. I had some very positive things happen in my life, i qualified, i left to start my own business, moved out again. It was great.. But in the back of my head i've always had travelling there.. But he made it all just disappear. he was amazing.. But when i went into the relationship i hesitated. I hesitated to say yes, i hesitate to speak up, i hesitate to go and do what i want to do. i hesitate ALOT and when you hesitate its either not right or its going to be bad...

I was reading over an old email i had sent to him when we were going through some tough times and it was good to read over it now, when i'm thinking a bit more clearer and i'm a bit less stressed but some of it still stands... What to do about that? Hmmm... The mind, body and soul are such interesting beautiful things.. How it all works and stuff like that.. How can you feel one thing, your mind tell you the other and your body do the other.. its just bizarre, i love him so much but things just seem hard at the moment. like too hard?! but i can honestly say it's probably coming from within myself. When i read back on the email i sent, i read his reply over and really... we both said we were going to do this that and the other but neither of us have really.. barely.

2 years ago, i was ecstatic. over the moon, i was shining and never felt so good before. and slowly slowly the peak i was on has come crashing down for me to hit rock bottom.. Slowly but surely.
I was very very independant, not black and white to the rules independant, but i was getting by. and i was getting by really good. From the past 5 years, 2 years ago was the up from the down.
Is that how life works... does it just go up and down like a rollercoaster!? i guess smooth shores never made good sailors but fuck.. i could interpret that in such a different way to how it's been interpretted to me..