i miss my daddy.

so i really miss my dad... my whole life i haven't been that close with my dad.
Purely because of a language barrier and something else that i'm still yet to discover.
i'm sure it'll come when i'm "older" jeez how much older.?!
But yeh, i've been super duper duper close to my mum since she popped me out but i feel like i'm getting closer to my dad at the moment. and theres no big transformation or sudden change in communication its just that the few things he does say to me seem to make the most sense.

hmmm.... thank the lord for blogger. i think it helps with my headaches that i get from thinking too much. But then sometimes people say that i don't think enough when really i do, i just have a really hard time opening up to people..

i'm feeling pretty content today i guess... Considering i had a pretty shit house night and had the worse headache EVER.

the friend.

So another little ramble. I think i was really silly to ever think that my boyfriend might have had a thing for one of his really close girlfriends, but when we argued i told him that i think she had a thing for him and blablabla when i definately shouldn't have done that. i had word vomit sooo majorly that weekend that i let a whole lot of stuff spill.. but it felt good, until i straightened out a bit and realised that maybe what i wrote was right and what i said was right but he takes things in an interesting way. a way that i've never really seen someone take words in. He's a little bit dyslexic to be fair but he hasn't opened up to me about any of it.. it's like its just been brushed under the carpet and forgotten about until maybe i decide to lift up the carpet and hoover underneath.. You know what i'm saying.

Thing is, is that maybe i'm in love. Maybe i'm not. i don't know. I think i'm in love with LIFE :)
It's beautiful. its a beautiful thing, experience, feeling... I just can't get enough of it. But i need something or someone to slap me around the face and be like HELLOOOO YOUR ALIVE. i want to feel the blood pump through my veins and from my head to my little toots. I just need something to get my adrenalin going.. Hmmmm..

I went out looking for work today.. was good, kind of. i don't know what i want to do though. i know that anything will do, but i know a few people that just get an anything job but then when do they get into a proper job!?

Ah. i'm so besides myself....

I'm just blabbering and lots of different things pop into my head when i'm just typing.
The past 2 years i also kind have abandoned my friends, well i didn't mean to but i guess thats what it kind of looks like but i didn't mean to..

*OVER PROTECTIVE BOYFRIENDS* soooo unlike me. Definately not my kind of thing. But i love him for it and i accepted that about him. But i'm not sure what he accepted about me and my needs.
Hmmm.....

.....

So i read my horoscope a fair bit... well actually quite a lot. More so at the moment than ever before. But i kind've think it's because i have very little occupying my spongey little brain... However i was out last night having some drinks and some dinner and felt like writing a whole lot of stuff down and then read my horoscope and it said write down what you've learnt the past 2 years. "don't be cynical"

I've been in a relationship the past 2 years, but when this relationship with my main man started i was blossoming. I was maturing a bit more. I had some very positive things happen in my life, i qualified, i left to start my own business, moved out again. It was great.. But in the back of my head i've always had travelling there.. But he made it all just disappear. he was amazing.. But when i went into the relationship i hesitated. I hesitated to say yes, i hesitate to speak up, i hesitate to go and do what i want to do. i hesitate ALOT and when you hesitate its either not right or its going to be bad...

I was reading over an old email i had sent to him when we were going through some tough times and it was good to read over it now, when i'm thinking a bit more clearer and i'm a bit less stressed but some of it still stands... What to do about that? Hmmm... The mind, body and soul are such interesting beautiful things.. How it all works and stuff like that.. How can you feel one thing, your mind tell you the other and your body do the other.. its just bizarre, i love him so much but things just seem hard at the moment. like too hard?! but i can honestly say it's probably coming from within myself. When i read back on the email i sent, i read his reply over and really... we both said we were going to do this that and the other but neither of us have really.. barely.

2 years ago, i was ecstatic. over the moon, i was shining and never felt so good before. and slowly slowly the peak i was on has come crashing down for me to hit rock bottom.. Slowly but surely.
I was very very independant, not black and white to the rules independant, but i was getting by. and i was getting by really good. From the past 5 years, 2 years ago was the up from the down.
Is that how life works... does it just go up and down like a rollercoaster!? i guess smooth shores never made good sailors but fuck.. i could interpret that in such a different way to how it's been interpretted to me..